"Confidence, Where Are You?"

It's been a while since I last wrote a newsletter.

I'm watching the K-Drama Welcome To Samdal-Ri, a story of two rural natives wherein the female lead wants to get out of the small stream (Jeju Island) and find success to the main stream (Seoul), but the male lead wants to stay on the small stream and believes he's not fit to be on the main stream.

At first, I have no expectations, just passing time, but I begin to resonate with the female lead's experiences, emotions, and decisions as the show goes on.

However, what I've read on Reddit about discussions up to episode 6 is what made me write this piece; it's very sad and upsetting. People are saying, "it's not like her," "she is so out of her character," when she's at the lowest moment of her life.

Do these phrases sound familiar to you?

It's not like you.

You're out of your character.

Which begs the question: when confident people suddenly lose the will to fight, are they even allowed to cry?

Can we ask the night sky: "Confidence, where are you?"

When The Will Is Too Strong

At the beginning of the show, we see the female lead Sam-Dal pouring expired and moldy kimchi over her (now) ex-boyfriend, who cheated on her, right at his workplace, where all his colleagues saw it!

That's awful!

Suddenly the show painted her as a typical girl-boss, the "you-don't-want-to-mess-with-her" trope, and you can see all her colleagues react to her the same way. Some even plotting her downfall on her back.

So, all of us are made to believe that's her character: strong-willed, tough, or in other words: confident.

I actually don't have any problems with that.

Especially when the show started painting her and how hard she worked to get to that point.

Her dream is to become a successful photographer, and she "worked like a dog" to get to that point. It's a highly creative profession, wherein you pour your entire mind, soul and heart on every shot.

It's just natural.

But, just like anything in life, what goes up, always go down.

When The Fall Is Too Great

After some world-building, the main conflict arises. One of her apprentices, Eun Ju, tried to take her down almost overnight by:

• having an affair with the Sam-Dal's boyfriend;
• letting Sam-Dal know about it and recording their verbal fight about it to frame her for bullying; (ouch)
• Eun-Ju attempting suicide and making it known to the press that it's because of Sam-Dal's abuse of power; (ouch x2)
• causing Sam-Dal to lose all her work and her 15-year anniversary world exhibit since all partners pulled out because of controversy; (ouch x3)
• getting Sam-Dal's two sisters' bitter past history also unearthed; (ouch x4)
• reporters are now swarming on their once peaceful home every single day, forcing them to return to Jeju; (ouch x5)
• then Eun-Ju stealing all Sam-Dal's work and be credited as her own and pushed through the global exhibit. (ultimate ouch)

That's utterly horrible.

15 years of hard work, down the drain overnight.

Some people think this can only happen in K-Dramas.

But the way it unfolded, many people don't understand that these can happen in real-life. Stories even more horrible than this.

Specially to those very driven people. To those who are confident.

I, myself, once got framed into something bad that I didn't do, which caused me to lose my job with a very rough exit. You never know the extent of the conversations behind your back.

Life can be that nasty.

When The Scorn Is Too Sharp

What struck me the most is her set of actions and feelings that she displayed after all these, once she got back home to her hometown (which she despises) because of one thing:

"She's going to be one of those who failed in Seoul and came back."

Oof, that's painful.

As a creative, I've felt this so much, once you have had success, and then suddenly everything turned upside down, the feeling of having "failed" in your craft, after how fervently you pursued it and told everyone about it, is astoundingly devastating. No words can describe it.

Only the true creatives have felt it and can understand it.

On top of it, it's a very tight-knit neighborhood, and it's only a matter of time when everyone knew she was back. All gossips broke loose in every edge of town, saying she has failed and has come back.

She can only hide in her home.

When the reality hits of even her childhood friends mistakingly saying they're glad to have her back because she failed, that is when she reached her breaking point.

When the Pain Is Too Deep

The way she broke down in the middle of the street in front of her childhood friends is so realistic and hard to watch.

She continually plead she's innocent, while saying no one ever bothered to ask her if she's okay.

Everyone focused on the failure, neglecting the person.

She just wanted someone to hear her out. For once.

I broke down that way multiple times too. Not in the streets, though. Only in my room.

Then, the most disturbing part came to me.

When the Reddit Is Too Naive

I'm running out of rhyming headings at this point, sorry. ✌️

Did you know that every anime or K-drama at this point had official episode discussions nowadays? That's how the kids have been enjoying these shows lately.

And of course I take a glance at those groups too. (You know, I'm still a kid too. XD jk)

What I've read is people trashing her character saying, "where is the strong Sam-Dal that poured moldy kimchi over her ex? where is the strong Sam-Dal that overcome hurdles like that to be where she's at today? Now she's bawling like a baby, waiting to be saved."

Reading this brought intense emotions from my being.

Why?

I believe this people haven't experienced the real-world, as we say.

Most of these are naive kids who think they can own the world yet haven't left their computers or iPhones.

...that they bought from the money of their parents.

What I'm saying is: if Sam-Dal, a full-grown woman, is now crying like a baby, think of these things:

18 years.

That's quite a long time.

Most likely she's not clueless about people like these.

Maybe, she experienced more horrible things like these before.

As she said, she "worked like a dog" for years, foregoing good sleep and food.

It's just that, at that point? 18 years of struggle? and a sudden downfall happens to you? because of a colleague you trusted?

That's not stupidity.

She's not out of her character. She's not a big fat pathetic person.

Maybe, she's just too tired to fight.

When You're Too Tired To Fight

In the professional creative industry like photography or music, awful things like these happen, talks about stealing one's work, copyright, affairs, backstabbing, you name it. It's a dirty world.

People always aim for influence, wealth, power, and willing to drag people down for it. Even plot your demise in a very calculated fashion, even.

Imagine, 18 years of fighting for your place at the mainland.

There's no rest, only constant, painful tension.

Let me ask you a question: how long are you struggling for your dream right now?

2 years?

5 years?

10 years?

What happened to you for the last 10 years? The world has been very different back then.

You have been very different back then.

Are your inactions caused by a poor flaw of your character?

You could be the same confident person, but after all those years?

Your mind and heart can only handle so much. It's bound to break at some point.

I've found myself at my breaking point during 2019, further worsened by the 2020 pandemic. The next 4 years was the darkest days of my life. At this point, I can't write any songs, can't produce any music, can't land any job, and drowning in debt.

I am too tired to fight.

It pains me to see naive people quickly judge people based on their initial impressions of people when they meet them in their episode 1, when you are at your episode 6.

No, people can change.

People can snap.

People can break down.

"It's not like you."

It's much harder than you think.

"Why don't you get up and fight?"

Easier said than done.

"Why are you not doing anything?"

Maybe my mental toughness is all worn out like a withering tire.

"Stop crying and running away! Just do it!"

Can you even stop and ask how I'm doing?

When The Speech is Too Free

This is the reality of modern-day freedom of speech propaganda. Just because you can say anything, doesn't mean you are free to hurt anyone.

Speech has power. Words have power. It can make or break one's creative career.

What's lacking is not the flaw of freedom of speech.

What's lacking is consequences.

People nowadays don't face the consequences of anything they type on a keyboard. They think they can always hide away from an anonymous handle on reddit and have a license to say anything they want, with no real-world consequences.

Before, just one awful word against your friend, you lose your village's trust.

I've learned this the hard way, when I received harsh comments about a personal musical performance that I poured my life energy into, saying I look like a "rabid ugly dog" while performing.

It's as if you're saying my life energy and time on earth is trash and worthless.

It broke me and made me stop performing my music in public places.

Maybe I'm too weak for my industry. Maybe that's true. I accept it.

What I'm saying is, people will be mean either way. Whether you fight or not.

And I chose to fold against them.

I'm just too tired to fight.

When The Fight is Too Much

If you're reading this, maybe you're at the lowest moment of your life.

Maybe you don't.

But if you keep pursuing your life and dream as a creative, you're bound to experience public scorn like these.

If you're too tired to fight, what I want to say to you now is:

It's okay to cry your eyes out and rest.

No, you're not out of your character.

You are just being stretched like a guitar string for a long time now with all the life's tension.

You can de-tune yourself, curl a little bit, release that tension for a bit and just let it all out.

"So, you're not going to do anything?"

So what! Let people say what they want to say.

They only care about themselves anyway. And they're all naive.

We are the ones on the field playing. These people are just watching on the sidelines, rooting for the opposite team we're playing against and throwing trash at us.

We are the ones who puts in the 10,000 hours and counting to be great at our craft. They are the ones who puts in the 100 hours in bringing people down.

We are the ones who stay up late and hungry while these whiners are still sleeping and wallowing in their inactions.

These naive commenters got nothing else worthwhile to do.

While we are the ones dedicating our lives to the beauty of our art that they will eventually rely on to when things get hard for them.

When Your Confidence is Too Small

It's okay to fold sometimes. Maybe you needed that rest.

Maybe you lost that confidence you once proudly had.

But don't worry; it's just a season.

Your mind is just filled with junk right now.

Once you let all the junk out of your mind, you can see your confidence, just sitting there at the corner of your soul.

Waiting for your next art.

"Confidence, where are you?"

It never went away. It's just there, waiting for you.

Patiently.

You will get back to your feet. Eventually.

Don't rush it.

Confidence will stand up for you once you stop giving your attention to these naysayers.

Stop chasing the feeling of getting attention. There's a more powerful feeling than that:

The feeling of paying attention.

Solely to your wonderful craft.

And nothing else matters.

As long as you keep paying attention to yourself and to your craft, you will see that what you once had, that never left your side, will support you even stronger, and will carry you through the next season of your life.

Your confidence.